My Self Defeating Behavior

January 31, 2021 by Dorice Horenstein

Break Free from Self-Defeating Behavior

My Self-Defeating Behavior

There’s a phenomenon I’ve observed in people—myself included—time and time again. It’s subtle, persistent, and powerful: self-defeating behavior.

Have You Ever Stood in Your Own Way?

Have you ever started something—like a personal goal, business project, or relationship—only to get in your own way?

Maybe you:

Procrastinated.
Avoided taking a necessary risk.
Talked yourself out of something meaningful.
Feared the spotlight and hid.
Settled for less than you deserve.

These are common signs of self-sabotage behavior—and we’ve all been there.

You’re Not Alone

Self-defeating behavior is one of the most human traits we all share. It usually arises when we experience inner conflict or deep-seated fear—often without realizing it.

Some of us are driven to succeed yet terrified of what success might demand. Others fear failure, judgment, or not being good enough. These thoughts operate beneath the surface, like hidden scripts we follow without question.

We all carry these inner narratives—and yes, they can be rewritten.

✅ Ready to stop the cycle of self-sabotage?

Discover Mental Fitness with Dorice Horenstein — and start building clarity, calm, and confidence today.

I’ve Been There

Let me tell you a story.

Was I good enough?
Could I have made a mistake?
Would they choose someone else?

That voice—the inner saboteur—almost made me say no.

But I didn’t.
Instead, I said yes.
I chose to show up.
That moment changed my trajectory.

That voice—the inner saboteur—almost made me say no.

But I didn’t.
I said yes.
I showed up.
And that moment changed my trajectory.

I’m Just About to Tell You a True Story... My Story

With the intention of inspiring you to reflect on your own life, please don’t judge me—it happened over a decade ago, yet I remember it vividly.

My son’s Bar Mitzvah planning and celebration was my epiphany. It led me to recognize my need to control—twisting me all up inside, just like a pretzel. It felt as if a monster that looked exactly like me took over!

Yes, I totally controlled every detail: what my husband and I wore, what we ate, the decorations—even arranging a surprise belly dancer in the middle of the party. My entire family was shocked, my son was totally embarrassed, and not to mention the rabbi’s wife!

You might ask why I did it. The short answer is that I felt no one could do better than I could. I preferred to control the situation rather than be controlled because this way, I knew the expected results!

Does that resonate with anyone?

Saboteurs: The Inner Forces That Hold Us Back

In Positive Intelligence® research, we often talk about saboteurs, which are our internal enemies—mental habits that work against us. People typically score on at least two or three saboteurs in assessments.

One of my saboteurs was the Controller—no big surprise there!

If you’re thinking, “I’m not a controlling type,” or feeling sorry for me, here’s the truth: we all have saboteurs!

I define a saboteur as a form of self-defeating behavior. Do you recognize any in yourself?

There are nine other saboteurs you can “choose” from, if Controller is not your cup of tea: Avoider, Pleaser, Hyper-Achiever, Hyper-Rational, Victim, Stickler, Hyper-Vigilant, and more.

“The fact that you don’t see it, does not mean it does not exist. By becoming aware of how we speak and how we act, we become willing to live in creation mode and not survival mode.” — Dorice Horenstein

Saboteurs Abuse Our Strengths

The strengths of someone with the Controller saboteur are competence, confidence, and an action-oriented life. They just go for it, believing the sky is the limit.

However, saboteurs use and abuse our strengths by lying to us. They’re super sneaky—promising peace of mind but actually delivering the opposite.

Was I calm before, during, and after my son’s Bar Mitzvah? Maybe on the outside, but inside—different story.

These are common signs of self-sabotage behavior—and we’ve all been there.

What Do Your Saboteurs Say to You?

The Controller might say, “Without me, no one will do it the right way; I know best.”
An Avoider might say, “I’ll keep quiet to keep the peace.”
A Hyper-Rational saboteur might say, “Why is everyone so emotional? Let’s think rationally.”

Do you recognize when you self-sabotage? When you behave in self-defeating ways? And when you do, do you still feel fear, anxiety, overwhelm, or unhappiness? Do you recognize the lie your saboteur tells?

Awareness Is the First Step

Don’t despair—awareness is the first step.

Ask yourself:

Who or what is the voice of my inner saboteur?
When have I caught myself engaging in self-defeating behavior?
What false beliefs does my saboteur feed me—and why do they leave me feeling worse over time?
What small steps can I take to shift away from this mindset?
How can I begin to challenge and quiet this internal voice?

How I Help Others Rewrite Their Story

As a certified Positive Intelligence® mental fitness coach and keynote speaker, I help people identify their saboteurs and replace self-defeating behaviors with resilient, empowering patterns.

My approach includes:

Self-awareness: Recognizing the mental habits that hold you back.
Neuroscience-based tools: Shifting from sabotage to strength.
Mental fitness: Building your capacity to respond with clarity, courage, and calm.

Together, we transform setbacks into stepping stones.

What If You Stopped Sabotaging Yourself?

Imagine what could change in your life or work if you stopped listening to that inner critic and started trusting your inner champion.

What would you try?
Where would you go?
Who could you become?

It’s time to break the cycle of self-defeat.
You have the power to build lasting resilience.
You can choose to be your own champion.

Let's Talk

If this message resonates with you, let’s connect.

Dorice Horenstein

Dorice Horenstein, renowned as the “Oy to Joy” International Champion Catalyst Speaker, transforms tactics into practical strategies! As a Positive Intelligence expert and best-selling author of Moments of the Heart: Four Relationships Everyone Should Have to Live Wholeheartedly, Dorice energizes and motivates global audiences to uncover their inner champions. With a background in educational leadership, she has made the world her platform, fostering positive cultures by empowering individuals to overcome challenges, build resilience, and find joy, leading to personal and professional growth.

Dorice is a dynamic speaker whose energy and charisma have a global impact. Her core superpower is her ability to present, train, and coach effectively. She redefines “T.E.A.M.” as “Together Everyone’s Attributes are Magnified,” inspiring others to recognize their strengths, enhance effectiveness, and joyfully step into their destined leadership roles. Her mission is to cultivate healthy, positive relationships that reduce stress, increase retention rates, and create a more positive culture both at work and at home.